Navigating Vulnerability in Relationships
How Much Should I Share? Purposeful Vulnerability
Vulnerability in relationships can sometimes feel as scary as jumping off a cliff and not quite knowing where and how you will land. A common experience amongst people, is a discomfort with silence or leaving conversations feeling anxious about what they shared with an individual or a group. They sometimes might feel pressure to share something to fill in the silence and they wonder, “Have I shared too much?”, “Not enough?”, “Did I say something wrong?”, “Did I reveal something about me that would cause others to see me in a different light?” Navigating these waters can be a very uncomfortable place, so we find ways to cope. Undersharing is sometimes what one might use to compensate for the risk of oversharing, but either extreme can be detrimental to an authentic sense of vulnerability. Since neither extreme is preferred, then our best shot at health is somewhere in the middle.
Scripture tells us that we are to walk in the light if we say that we have fellowship with Christ and that when we do, we have “fellowship with one another” (1 John 1:5-7, ESV). Genuine vulnerability is an opportunity to be known in fellowship with other believers. To be willing to make known our weaknesses and private thoughts, is important for us individually, but is also an important way to be “in fellowship” with others. Here we learn that vulnerability is what deepens relationships. To help clarify a healthy and genuine sense of vulnerability, the following questions might be helpful to consider:
Who am I speaking to?
Who we are vulnerable with matters. The individuals or groups we share openly with can sometimes be a hindrance to the way we think about ourselves or our situation. When we share something that is delicate with another person, we do want to make sure they are someone who will listen well and point us to Christ. It is important to know whether or not the person one is sharing with has a tendency to impose their own opinions or experiences on our situation, rather than to support, pray, point us to scripture and ultimately to Christ. Afterall, having fellowship with one another is more like walking alongside someone rather than taking a place of authority over another’s life, since there is no authority greater than Christ.
What is appropriate to share?
I’ve heard it said that we are only as sick as our secrets. We all know the person we see in the mirror, not just the reflection we see, but the inner workings of our hearts. We know that we can be selfish, quick tempered, judgemental, and the list goes on and on. In the context of relationships or in community, it is important to bring our weaknesses to bear, rather than just our strengths. Sharing in suffering and bearing one another’s burdens gives God glory and confessing our sins to one another leads to an opportunity for healing (James 6:16). While we don’t want to shy away from a sense of vulnerability in our weaknesses, we should be cautious when discussing an especially complicated or heavy burden with others. Enlisting the help of a pastor, mentor, or counselor to first gain some clarity in these situations can keep us from feeling like we have overshared without gaining a feeling of peace or resolve. We can then make sense out of the complicated feelings and thoughts we have, which can lead us to share more openly without insecurity or confusion.
When is the appropriate time to share?
Timing is also important when we think about vulnerability in relationships. When we are in a heightened emotional state, it can be helpful to allow some space to allow ourselves to share from a place where we are able to talk more truthfully and less emotionally. Additionally, we sometimes run to people to process our struggles rather than forming a habit of speaking to Christ first. Just taking the time to implement conversations with God before we have conversations with others can help slow us down and approach a situation with more wisdom and peace. It is helpful to be vulnerable about our sin, but if we haven't clarified our own responsibility and reactions with God, we can be at risk for gossip or putting other people’s help above God's.
While we want to approach vulnerability wisely, even if we are clumsy at times, we do not have to fear. Psalm 91: 1-2 reminds us that “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” The good news is that we can and should always speak vulnerably to Christ. He is our “refuge and our fortress”! It is the place to begin. This also means that no matter what others may think and feel about us and our struggles, we do not have to fear. We can approach vulnerability in relationships from a steady place and have the strength to share vulnerably not just for our own good, but for the good of others with whom we can be in fellowship with.